Beyond Date Nights: Keeping Your Marriage Healthy When You Have Young Children And Little Time

It was a Thursday night. My husband had grudgingly agreed to tear himself away from the pressures of work early. We had a much needed date night. After prying off two clingy children we escaped, and headed for the restaurant. As we sat there, across the table from each other, it felt like I was looking at the man I had married through 10 feet of ice. What had happened to the conversation that had flowed so freely? We both made a few lame attempts to talk, but the sense of distant stayed, stubborn and painful, sitting between us like a grumpy chaperone. Driving home in the car I fought back tears as visions of divorce danced before my eyes.

Date nights are important, but they need to come on a solid foundation of positive daily interactions. Dr. John Gottman is an American professor of Psychology who has spent a lifetime studying marriage, and he is an expert on the subtle differences in tone and wording that create a positive or negative feeling in a relationship. After years of scientific analysis, he now can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple is heading for divorce, just from listening to them talk about a heated issue for as little as five minutes! So how can you strengthen your daily interactions?

Say More Thank Yous

Carol, a North Shore mother of two, was recommended to me as someone with a wonderful marriage. When asked the secrets of a strong partnership, the first thing she mentioned was not taking each other for granted. “People often say to us, I can’t believe how much you thank each other,” she noted. “It may sound like it would be artificial or meaningless, but is surprisingly powerful”.

What can you thank your partner for tonight?

Give Detailed Appreciation

It’s not just saying “thank you” that Carol is referring to. It is choosing to focus on what your partner is doing well, rather than picking away at the things you want to change. John Gottman points out “by simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities – even as you grapple with each other’s flaws – you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.” Build the habit of frequently verbalizing your appreciation in clear and specific ways.

What do you appreciate about your loved one? How can you tell them today?

Tune In To The Positive

Recently my husband and I bought a Subaru Forrester. Suddenly when I was out driving, I started seeing Subarus everywhere! It wasn’t that the composition of cars on the road had changed, but what my brain tuned in to had. This “Subaru effect” also affects relationships. Say your husband forgets to put on the laundry, and you are mad at him. Suddenly your brain is looking for evidence to support the “he’s a jerk” frame of mind, and you will start seeing all the other things he does that drive you crazy. When you find yourself sinking into a quicksand of negativity, actively remind yourself of the things you love about your sweetie.

Write a list of all the things you love about your partner. Get really specific and include examples. Bring it out and read it when you need to retune yourself to the positive.

Bring Up Your Concerns With Caring

Staying positive aside, it is important to speak up when you are angry or upset. Unvoiced negativity will fester. When we bring up a complaint or concern, we need to communicate as gently as possible so that the other person can take in what we have to say rather than getting defensive.

Example of Hurtful criticism:
You jerk! We were supposed to meet at 6:00 and you are an hour late! You always do this to me! I can’t believe how rude you are!”

Example of Healthly complaining:
Look, I know you are under a lot of pressure at work.  It must be tough to juggle all this, but I am really angry. You are an hour late and you did not call me. I felt really worried. Next time, please call me if you are going to be late.

What do you need to gently tell your partner?

Have Fun Together And Embrace Humour

“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship,” says John Gottman. “By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” He goes on to talk about the importance of keeping up to date on each other’s interests and dreams, and of the value of humour. He mentions one couple, who in the middle of a heated argument started sticking their tongues out at each other. Carol added, “we have this habit of using lines from the TV show Seinfeld to lighten it up when things get kind of tense”.

What makes the two of you laugh?

Changing the patterns of interaction in a relationship takes time. Be gentle with yourself and your partner as you work on building new habits. Remind yourself how important this is. People who stay happily married live on average four years longer and get sick 35% less than those who divorce or stay in an unhappy marriage. A healthy committed relationship is truly one of the greatest gifts you can give yourselves and your children. And when you take care of the daily interactions, date nights will be a source of joy again.

Sarah Dakin is a life coach who helps women resuscitate their marriages, and find more joy.

Want to learn more?

10 Lessons To Transform Your Marriage By John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman
The Relationship Cure: A Five Step Guilde To Stengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships By John Gottman
www.gottman.com
www.bestmarriages.com