A Tall Mocha Frappuccino with a Shot of Confidence Please!

As published in The Richmond News, November 27^th 2009

Money. It’s a loaded topic for all of us. Especially when kids come on the scene, fighting about money is one of the top reasons couples divorce. I remember when my husband and I first moved to Vancouver how we had on-going fights about the fact he would get a daily cup of coffee from Starbucks.  I resented the fact that he was spending $20 to $30 dollars a week on coffees! In my books, as a non-coffee drinker, that’s about $1200 a year drank away with nothing to show for it! I nagged, pleaded and grumbled, but the issue remained a sore point between us.

Then one day I decide to get curious about what was so compelling about the Starbucks experience for him. My beloved explained how in the country where he grew up, he had heard about Starbucks but there weren’t any there at that time, so he’d never been to one. He had always dreamed of going to American as a child, and going to Starbucks made him really feel how he’d reached his goal. As he went in with his Starbucks card and spoke the fancy lingo, he felt like he’d made it and after years of being a student, he could revel in the fact he was finally earning a good wage...

Wow! He wasn’t buying coffee, he was buying success and confidence in a cup! That $4 price tag didn’t sound so bad anymore. I stopped begrudging him his daily boost from Starbucks. And ironically, after I stopped harping on it, he actually found the novelty wore off and in time, he chose to reduce the frequency of his visits himself. These days he’s happy to get an occasional $2 cup of Tim Horton’s.

Money can be a huge stress between people. It reflects deeply held emotions and can touch on some of our most sacred values.

The next time you are fighting with a loved one over a budgeting issue, before you condemn, get curious. What does this contentious item represent at a deeper level? Is it worth it? Maybe it is. What other ways can that need or value be honoured?

Money is just crystallized life energy, that is neither good nor bad. When we take the time to unpack some of the emotional issues involved, it can be much easier to sort out some of the tough decisions we face. And that can sure make it easier to savour a good cup of coffee!

Sarah Dakin is a hot chocolate drinking Richmond mother of two, and the founder of Baby Steps Life Coaching. She’d love to hear your suggestions for column topics at sarah@babystepscoaching.com.