Don’t get snared in the envy trap

As published in The Richmond News, October 23rd 2009

I have a confession to make. I have lawn envy. As everyone tidies up their yards for winter, my neighbour’s leaf-free green carpet grins at me and I hang my head in shame as I pull into our driveway. Our lawn is a mangy leaf-strewn weed patch. Her beautiful turf is even mown in a symmetrical pattern, with sleek diagonal rows that crisscross at measured angles and seem to speak of an elevated existence. On bad days I look longingly at the lawn care ads that come through the mail slot. Maybe I should spend hundreds of dollars a month to nurture a perfect lawn. Would I not feel like more of a woman, a better mother, or even a better person, if I too had a super yard?

It is not just lawns that have me seeing green. In fact, envy rears her ugly head on a daily basis. As I gaze at the polished top-rated mini vans in the school parking lot I start to feel uncomfortable in our dirty aging Subaru...

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We can drown in envy as parents. There is always someone who earns more, has more or who drives a nicer stroller. When we land in the envy trap, sometimes it is even our children and our partners who seem not good enough.

I once met a woman who wrote a column for a White Rock newspaper and I burned with envy all the way home from that meeting. Until that moment I didn’t even know I wanted to write for a newspaper. That feeling was what prompted me to call up the Richmond News and inquire about writing.

The key is to believe there is enough for all of us. When I think opportunities are scarce, and the fact that she writes means I will never get to, I just feel bitter. But when I find the place inside that is truly happy for her, then I can start to look at what my own desire is.

If, for example, you feel envious that someone else’s child plays great hockey, get curious. Is being active what you covet? How could you and your family embrace a more active lifestyle? Or it might be that pride in your child’s accomplishments that rouses your envy. All children have something they shine at, even if it’s not hockey. How can you see and celebrate your child’s unique gifts a little more?

I think it is time I learn to embrace my inner lawn envy. To realize sometimes the yearning is really a calling to dig a little deeper, to remember what really matters, and to see the big picture once again. After all, its just grass. My sons and I stand on the driveway, laughing as we throw leaves at each other.

When not coveting other’s lawns, Sarah Dakin can be found helping moms stay on track with what matters. You can reach her at sarah@babystepscoaching.com