Back to school is hard on parents too.

As published in The Richmond News, September 09 2009

It’s official. The kids are back in school and the new shiny lunch kits sitting on the kitchen counter won’t let me forget it. My sense of relief is tinged with sadness to see them go. Back to school can be tough on kids. Perhaps your little one clung to your pant legs like a limpet or your teen shuffled back home with downcast glare and nothing but a frown to say about his day.

But back to school is hard on parents too. If you are a parent you will know the situation. There I am down in the entrance way, shoes are not on small feet, lunches are not in backpacks, and I am not being the calm, caring mommy I want to be...

My watch ticks loudly and the chorus in my head is taunting, “You are going be late for school! What sort of a mom are you anyway, yelling at your kids? ” Not a nice way to start the day! 

So what does it take to refill our patience reservoirs and to have kindness and compassion aplenty for our children as they adjust to a new school year? Beyond new lap tops and sharpened pencil crayons, what our kids really need is a calm and loving home base to depend on as they face the lumps and bumps of school.  To provide that, we parents have to take care of ourselves. We can’t give what we don’t have and kindness has to start on the inside with us being kind to ourselves.

Just as your cell phone needs to be plugged in or it runs out of juice, we need to find what energizes us and to do it regularly. For some of you, time alone to paint, read or garden is what puts the twinkle back in your eye. Even ten minutes sitting down to read the Richmond News with a cup of tea can make the afternoon seem more manageable. For others, it is a Latin dance class, a weekend getaway with your spouse or a good game of soccer that brings you back to life. Whatever it is that recharges you, don’t let guilt keep you from indulging. Often the best gift I can give my kids is to abandon them with their dad and head out for a yoga class, a massage or a good long run. The Mommy who comes home is a much nicer person.

Perhaps you are thinking, “Sounds good, but I don’t have time!” As busy parents, one good way to ensure self care happens is to turn that to-do list item into an appointment. It is so easy to say “I’m too tired to go for a run today,” when going alone. But when my friend Ruth is standing in my driveway, it is much harder to renege on my commitment. If you find a buddy to go with, agree to carpool with another participant, or arrange some childcare so you can have that time home alone, you are much more likely to follow through.  

Getting enough sleep is another critical ingredient in ensuring a smooth back to school transition, and I don’t just mean for the kids. Most adults in our society are sleep deprived, and yes, it does affect our parenting. How to get more sleep when there are so many things to do? It can help to work backwards from your desired bedtime and to come up with some key touchstones in your schedule. I realized if I want to be in bed by 10:00 pm so I can get up for early morning exercise, I need two hours to unwind and clean up after my sons are in bed. That means my young sons need to be in by about 7:30 so they are actually asleep by 8 pm. And that means we need to be eating dinner by 5:30, so starting to cook at 5 pm is just not realistic. It might sound strange but planning a menu and pre-cooking some meals on the weekend has actually been one of the most significant moves I made towards getting more sleep.

September is a month of new beginnings. What positive impact could more joy and patience have on your household this fall? Whether you are a Mom watching your first child settle in to kindergarten or a seasoned Dad helping your grade 12 student get the most out of his final year, take a few minutes to think about what will help you be at your best for this special season. You kids may not thank you for it, but they will learn some important lessons from your example.